The Black Magic of "Should"

The third law of thermodynamics is - "As a system approaches absolute zero, all processes cease and the entropy of the system approaches a minimum value." I could spend all my time explaining how that relates to me or you, but not many people stayed on long enough for the 2nd law, so I'll take a cue from the audience and move on. If you're interested in the 3rd law write me and we can discuss. :)

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about the word "Should". The word falls into a catagory called a "deotonic linguistic modality". Which means it helps explain how the user thinks the world ought to be based on their perception. If you understood that definition then you have already realized the great peril in using the word. If not, read it again slowly, focusing on the individual words.

I was first introduced to the problems surrounding Should when I was in a recovery center for addiction close to 2 years ago. A counselor told me "don't Should on yourself" and "don't Should on other people". Our groups loved the chance to catch someone using Should, it was fun and a highly effective technique for opening eyes to reality. Obviously, Should can be replaced with an expletive and you get the point. Should'ing on someone (or yourself) is the same as sh!tt!ing on them (or you).

I Should lose weight, stop smoking, eat better, be richer, work harder, work out more, watch less TV, spend more time with my kids, have more sex with better, stronger, faster orgasms, have bigger breasts/penis, love my spouse more, take care of my elderly parents, shoot under 80, wear those brand of clothes, have a bigger wedding ring, have greener grass, drive that kind of car, be that spiritual, have better posture, be a better athlete, pray more, believe in god, have faith, tithe, live like I'm dying, dance like no one is watching, Just Do It, vote, ah.... I think you get the point. It's never ending. It all is covered under the umbrella of "I'm not good enough the way I am".

To make life more interesting we then do that to everyone we meet and especially to the ones we claim to love and care about the most. We Should on them and tell them they are not good enough exactly the way they are in the present moment, which is really the antithesis of love. A great philosopher named Jesus said "Love your neighbor"... not love your neighbor when they change to fit how you think they ought to be. No, it's love them the way they are Now, no conditions. Now, disliking their behavior is different, but loving them is not.

I've always been fascinated by "If you loved me you should have known I needed/wanted/expected/thought/felt x,y or z". Obviously there are a million versions of that and I'm sure an angry person has attempted to use that against you. The Way I See It... the word Should is a type of Black Magic spell one places on another. It's a form of emotional blackmail.

They are in affect telling you that you need to first, acquire psychic powers. Second, please them according to what they and only they want. Third, conform to their version of how the world Should look. The fascination I find is that this Black Magic actually works 9 times out of 10. We accept their definition of who we Should be. We conform to their perception of reality and change ourselves to meet that. (Note: I'm using the definition of Black Magic from the book "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz... I don't believe in voodoo or anything)

Instead of vocalizing the fact we are not psychic and do not always know what another feels, thinks, wants or needs in any moment, most of us feel guilty and shamed for not being better in the relationship and agree to become "better".
(Note: In my life I am 100% certain I have never read another person's mind. I also confess to not even knowing what is my own mind most of the time. That confession or realization is what led me to meditation. I figured I at least have a shot of learning about myself.)

It is exactly this above described controlling/fear dynamic which dooms most interpersonal relationships. The controller Should's, then the shamed tries really hard to predict everything the controller wants out of fear of upsetting them and being shamed further. Still not being able to acquire psychic powers, they fail the controller time after time. This will continue until anger builds to rage in either party and chinaware begins to fly. In some relationships the two roles are constantly flipping so one can gain power over the other and feel in control.

Yet, we cannot blame the controller and feel sorry for the shamed. They are both equally at fault, which also means they are both equally Innocent. Innocent because we have all been conditioned by friends, parents, media, society and thousands of years of human consciousness to engage in this behavior. No one grows up wanting to be in this dynamic. Spend 5 minutes with a child not yet conditioned to play out this drama and see what our true nature is. We enter this world helpless, but Free. In order to acquire security and safety we give up our Freedom. This is all an illusion.

The "problem" people have with small children is they do what they want, when they want, and tell adults exactly the truth about it. Children say 'no' more than 'yes'. Adults say 'yes' (or some version of it... i.e., maybe) more than they say 'no'. 'No' doesn't even feel right as an adult to most of us. Even to this day it takes nerve to tell someone 'No'. Instead of just saying 'no' we typically lie to the other party. This causes us to feel like crap inside. Or we feel we Should be something other than ourselves and agree to many things we don't want to do. Why? Fear.

First, the fear of upsetting the domestication and function of society. There is an inherent fear of alienating oneself from others. Maybe it is due to the idea we are all tribal in nature. I think in post modern society it is because it would be hard to physically survive for most of us if we abandoned all societal norms. Being homeless or living in a cave carries with it it's own hardships most are not willing to trade out. Everything is a compromise on some level to operate within our societal structure.

Second, fear of loss of safety and security. We find comfort in our things. Yet, they are all marked by the reality of impermanence. We like having some things and dislike others. The things we like bring us an illusory sense of safety and security. Money, house, car, spouse, career, etc... These are not inherently good or bad, they just are. Yet, clinging to the notion we find safety and security in those things it setting us up for a life of suffering.

Third, fear of the loss of love or being alone. Somewhere when we were Innocent someone used the Black Magic against us and in our innocence we bought into it. We gave up ourselves and compromised who we truly are to please another. Sadly, this is usually first comes from the words of a parent or close loved one/relative at a young age. Notice I didn't call it bad, because it's not their fault they did this to us, it was exactly the same thing that happened to them in their life and countless generations before. Conditioning drives behavior.

There is a cure for this... years of shock therapy... just kidding. Actually, just being aware that this happens shines a huge floodlight onto the behaviors and conditioning. The first step is always to be aware there is an issue. This is a major issue many people, including myself, face on a daily basis. Today I try and live by the mantra "To Thine Own Self Be True". I have to live with myself 24 hours a day, no one else. Thus, I have to Love myself first, and second be at Peace with who I am, my Life, my choices and the subsequent outcomes in every moment.

I have found trying to please another is always a lose-lose proposition. Being true to myself is the beginning to finding Freedom, Safety, Security and Love in this lifetime. Have a great weekend and don't Should on yourself!

With Metta,

doug